Effective Conflict Resolution is an Essential Skill for Relationship Success

So, you're in love. You think you've arrived.

Well, you are sadly mistaken. You have completely missed the mark. Your journey of love -- rather your journey in love has just begun. A healthy romantic relationship is a dynamic, evolving continuously maturing process. When either partner views their relationship as “having arrived,” it will likely cease to be mutually satisfying.

Some of the key factors that will determine the QUALITY, longevity and health of your relationship are your (plural) willingness and ability to:

- Consistently and quickly address issues together, respectfully and courteously.

- Actively listen to what your partner is saying without having a separate conversation in your head or formulating your rebuttal.

- Do your best to understand his or her thoughts and ideas on the matter.

- Parrot/paraphrase – repeat what s/he said to confirm that you received the message that s/he was sending (confirm understanding).

- Stay on topic.

- Avoid making personal attacks.

- Becoming defensive.

- Never bring up the past. Learn to forgive and truly forget.

- Never betray confidence. Your conversations are for each other’s ears only – not be shared or lamented with your girlfriends or the guys (without your partner’s prior consent).

When you deal with an issue, you prevent it from morphing into a concern, a problem or a crisis. You remove from it the potential to suck the positive energy out of your relationship. When you talk to each other about your concerns, bringing them out into the open, this deprives them of the power to silently and insidiously, poison and undermine your love and affection for each other.

Communication is like oxygen in a relationship. It promotes growth, understanding, positive feelings toward each other and leads to the deepening of your commitment to each other. This is also foundational for both emotional and sexual intimacy.

The words of your significant other possess the power to hurt or to heal. It took me decades, unfortunately, to learn that because I am free to express myself to you, this does not preclude the need for me to sometimes veto a thought or an idea before it reaches my lips.

Healthy disagreement in a relationship is a good thing. Each of us is entitled to hold irreconcilable positions on a particular issue or idea. Hopefully, this is not the case for your core values or beliefs. This would signal serious incompatibility. Nonetheless, a mature adult knows that every person has the right to hold his or her beliefs. A mature, emotionally healthy individual respects this God given right and does not attempt to force their belovèd to capitulate to their way of thinking about everything.

Hope

Hope is like high octane jet fuel for human life. Just as a rocket is pumped full of liquid hydrogen, prior to take off, in preparation for a mission to space, you and I need to be imbued with hope at the start of our daily journey to propel us throughout the entire day.

Who or what is the source of your hope?

If your source of hope is in another human being (even yourself), you are at risk. Apart from young children living at home, you should never give another human being that kind of power to influence or alter your destiny or your trajectory to arrive at your chosen or pre-ordained destination.

If you depend on yourself, what happens on those days when illness, stress or other impostors sap you of emotional energy, deflate you spiritually or sap your life force physically, physiologically or psychologically.

Believers, whose ultimate source of hope is an all knowing, all powerful, ever present God, Who knows us intimately yet loves us UNconditionally, possess the ultimate power source.

Yoshi is a wise gentleman, who knows the importance of leading an active lifestyle.

I wrote this post to illustrate to my friend, Yoshi, the fact that anyone with an internet connection can write anything online. This is the reason why it is so important to get news from mainstream sources, which are frequently (but not always) more objective.

Yoshi is one of my inspirations at the YMCA; an older gentleman who is both intellectually sharp, physically active and extremely flexible.

Your attitude will determine how you thrive during covid-19 times.

When it’s 40 below zero, you don’t step outside wearing shorts, flip flops and a T-shirt. Rather, you prepare yourself appropriately to face the elements. Similarly, during this global pandemic, you and I need to arm ourselves appropriately so that we will be prepared to embrace the challenges that each new day brings. This is preferable to waking up every morning, trembling and fearful to leave the comfort, safety and security of your bed.

Optimism and Hope

Covid-19 is no match for this equally invisible duo. When you fortify your mind with optimism and hope, tempered with reality, in your mind’s eye, you will be facing covid-19 rather than cowering before the dreaded COVID-19.

Pessimism and fear

Pessimism and fear have the opposite impact on your psyche than the aforementioned dynamic duo. These two impostors create a psychological ripple effect that initiates a physiological downward spiral that has a deleterious impact on your immune system. In other words, your thought life renders your body either more susceptible or less vulnerable to that unseen villain, SARS-CoV-2.

In one of the four “Lethal Weapon” films, Detectives Roger Murtaugh (Danny Glover) and Martin Riggs (Mel Gibson) come face to face with a growling, teeth baring Rottweiler. Murtaugh, fearful and intimidated, is ready to unleash a bullet from his revolver on the guard dog.

Optimism and a Plan

Riggs, on the other hand, without breaking eye contact with the Rottweiler, signals to his partner, Roger,  that he needs to lower his gun, which was still aimed directly at the dog (who was simply doing its job). Martin simultaneously holstered his own revolver (or handed it to his partner), got down on all fours, eye level with Mr. Rottweiler, then rotated his head to one side. This was immediately mirrored by the dog.  Riggs then rotated his head in the opposite direction. Once again, the dog immediately  mirrored Riggs' action.

A few seconds later, Riggs and the now retired guard dog were rolling around on the ground, playing together like old litter mates. Looking his former adversary directly in the eye without flinching, while removing the overt threat of his and his partner’s weapons, Riggs quickly defused a tense situation and converted his adversary into a lifelong ally.

Do not allow your apprehension or fear of covid-19 to bully you into submission.

Now think back to a time in your life when you were bullied. For those of us who quickly nipped the bullying in its infancy, before it could become a "new normal", there was, in my opinion, only one possible remedy. You had to look the bully directly in the eye, at very close range so that he or she could sense that you did not fear them and were willing to do battle with them, if necessary, right then and there.

Now I can hear the murmurs of some; particularly those who are fretful, fearful and pessimistic. I understand that my analogies have major flaws. Your criticisms are valid.

In "Pilgrim's Progress," John Bunyan’s character, Christian, walked through the Valley of the Shadow of Death with great carefulness, during the pitch black of night, "with his sword drawn in his hand, for fear lest he should be assaulted."

At one point in the valley, perhaps similar to where all citizens of earth now find ourselves, he arrived at a place where "the flame and smoke would come out in such abundance, with sparks and hideous noises, (things that cared not for Christian’s sword, as did Apollyon before,) that he was forced to put up his sword, and betake himself to another weapon, called All-prayer."

We cannot look Covid-19 in the eye. Even if we could, it has no fear. This virulent, single minded, microscopic beast is singleminded in its purpose and function. It's "raison d'être" is to find an animal host and replicate itself.

Boldness, Confidence and Determination

When we fortify our minds with boldness, confidence and determination, coupled with the wisdom and common sense to keep a safe distance from other humans who reside outside of our bubble, we give ourselves and, in fact, humanity a fighting chance to survive.

We all need to continually marshal our available resources and implement effective strategies that will still our trembling hearts, quiet our troubled thoughts and give us peace. Our ability (or inability) to step up our game individually, unite with each other to combine our efforts and energy to combat our common foe, covid-19, will shape the future of humanity forever. Staying calm, remaining relaxed and able to function with some level of normalcy is possibly the greatest challenge that faces every man, woman, youth, boy and girl on planet earth on January 1st, 2021.