How does your broken heart mend?
Slowly, especially at first, and consistently so long as your attitude and focus are right and your self-talk remains positive.
Try your best to stay positive. Resist the natural inclination to entertain negative thoughts and ideas. Do not allow yourself to wallow in self-pity.
Analyze what went wrong. In what ways, if any, did you contribute to your current predicament?
Did you set clear boundaries early in the relationship and guard them?
Did you ignore obvious warning signs early on?
What could you have said or done differently that would have led to a different outcome? It is extremely important to take time to analyze what went wrong as well as what went right if your heart is broken because of a relationship. This will, if you learn the lessons that life has just taught you very painfully, enable you to avoid walking down this road again; at least not as far down this road or for as long.
If your heart is broken due to the death of a loved one, your healing process will be very different. Try your best to hold onto the positive memories of experiences and conversations that you shared together. However, you must be willing to let them go so that you can continue to live and so that your emotional and spiritual journey of healing can progress.
Your attitude about life and your self-perception are critical elements that will determine the direction of your emotional journey; toward healing or toward self-destruction. Do you see yourself as less than … because one individual no longer values you? His or her appreciation or lack of appreciation of you should not destroy you. In fact, it cannot destroy you unless you allow it to.
If one individual exiting your life does destroy you, perhaps there are some deeper issues at play here. Perhaps you are carrying an inordinate amount of emotional baggage or have very low self-esteem as a result of childhood experiences or as a result of one or more previous failed relationships from which you had not sufficiently healed before entering your last relationship.
Positive self-talk is extremely important. It tells you how you should view yourself, regardless of how you may presently feel about yourself. If you remind yourself about your good qualities and how you should view yourself, it will eventually become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your emotions will eventually catch up to your mind.
Positive self-talk must be positive, while remaining honest. Speak affirmative truths to yourself. Do not lie to yourself or become self-deceived.
Please do not permit yourself to have pity parties. Focusing inward is one of the worst things that you can do to yourself emotionally. This may sound counter intuitive. When you feel at your lowest ebb emotionally or spiritually is one of the best times to help someone else. Sometimes the best medicine that you can give yourself is to volunteer or to pour into someone else. You may become so focused on being a blessing to someone else that you forget about your own sorrow and worries for a moment or two.
What speeds up or slows down the process of emotional recovery?
Your hourly and daily choices in each of these areas speeds up or slows down the emotional healing process.
- your thought life
- your health habits: sleep, nutrition, exercise
- the company that you keep
Every moment of each day, you choose where you place and keep your thoughts. Inward, upward or outward.
Please don’t view yourself as a victim. That is to accept defeat. This can easily lead you to give up and to give into destructive thoughts, self-deprecating attitudes, destructive self-talk and destructive behaviours such as self-medicating or worse.
If you view your relationship as having failed (a verb) as opposed to viewing yourself as a failure (a noun), the direction of your emotional trajectory will be completely different.
Proper rest, relaxation and recreation will help you immensely; especially exercise outside in the fresh air and walking near or swimming in water. The negative ions that water gives off are restorative for our nervous system. Ego-void, aerobic (cardio-respiratory) exercise causes our cells to release beta endorphins in our body. They boost our immune system and promote health and healing.
We also need the restorative benefits of sleep. It may be challenging to sleep at times, especially if our minds are rehearsing painful memories of the recent or distant past. A leisurely walk a couple hours before bedtime will help to promote sleep. So will herbal teas such as chamomile or the tryptophan in milk. Take some valerian or get an Ativan prescription from your doctor if you go several days with insufficient sleep.
Eating nutritious foods will help our bodies to repair at the cellular level whereas eating sugary and processed foods are damaging to our health. Eating refined sugar temporarily places a chemical straight jacket on our white blood cells, the captain of our immune response. Drinking refined sugar places a greater load on our systems, and does so at a faster rate.
Spend time with positive, upbeat people. Avoid negative and hyper-critical people like the plague. They will make you feel even worse.
Listening to quality music will help you to relax and unwind. Reading inspirational poems and anecdotes will help you to get or to stay positive. The section entitled “Overcoming Obstacles” is the first place that I turn when I read “Chicken Soup for the Soul” books.
Be gentle with yourself; especially when in this emotionally fragile state. Pamper yourself. Stay positive. Stay focused. Your best days are in front of you. In the future, looking back, you will realize this one day.
