Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are extremely happy and festive seasons of the year — unless you are facing an empty chair at the dinner table.
Please try to be aware that holidays, birthdays and anniversaries amplify the emotional and spiritual pain of those who have lost loved ones. Please try to be sensitive to their feelings; particularly during the holiday season. When they invite you into their pain, by speaking to you openly about their deceased loved one, please listen to them attentively. You should be honoured to know that they feel so comfortable in your presence that they trust you enough to let you into the inner sanctum of their heart.
Whether it has been two days, two weeks, two years or 20 years since the passing of his or her partner, husband, wife, mother, father, son, daughter … or their best friend and confidant, please be aware that their grief or pain, whether an occasional visitor or a constant companion, is very real. Festive occasions always remind them that their missing loved one will not be here to celebrate with them, bringing a fresh reminder of their loss and frequently increasing the intensity of their grief once again.
Never tell a grieving person that you know exactly how they feel. You don’t! Only God truly knows how they feel. He alone understands the extent of their pain and is aware of any secret regrets or remorse that perplexes them because of a hastily spoken word or because they squandered their last opportunity to say, "I'm sorry" or “I love you.”
Everyone grieves differently and traverses the stages of grief at their own unique pace.
When you love someone deeply and unconditionally and they reciprocate your love, respect you, appreciate you and take your deepest and darkest secrets to their grave (never once having betrayed your trust), their loss will be monumental. If this was the only living soul with whom you shared this level of emotional intimacy and transparency, their loss will be even more traumatic and felt acutely.
To those of you who are hurting during this festive time of year because you will never again see her beautiful and radiant smile or hear his deep, resonant voice in person or on the other end of a Facebook, FaceTime, Skype, WhatsApp or Zoom audio or video call, or better yet, in person, on this side of Heaven, rest assured that you will get through this difficult, stress filled and painful season of life’s journey — often one minute at a time.
You are normal. There is nothing wrong with you. You loved that special person (who will forever occupy a special and sacred place in your heart) so deeply and completely for one, five, 10, 25 years or more. How could you possibly recover completely from such a devastating loss in a few weeks or several months? You can only fill a little bit of the empty place left in your heart and soul by their departure by remembering the laughter, tears and experiences that you shared together.
Please try to find a way to honour their memory during the holidays.
Perhaps their wise counsel or their positive example can give you the oomph that you need, inspiring and encouraging you to press forward in this journey called life with them no longer by your side or just a phone call, text or email away. When you don’t feel like getting out of bed or eating, try to hear their voice in your head propelling you to put one foot in front of the other, giving you the will and the courage to continue to face the battle of life.
In time, I believe that you will find yourself crying less frequently, for shorter durations and less intensely. You will find yourself smiling and eventually laughing when you remember them. I don’t believe that the sting of death ever dissipates or disappears completely. However, one day, you should come to the place where your heart has healed to the point that you can fully embrace life again.
This does not happen by accident. It takes a lot of emotional energy, consistent effort, and frequently professional help (primarily counselling) too.
Try your best to stay positive, to take the best possible care of your health (sleep, rest, exercise, good nutrition). Surround yourself with positive, uplifting people and influences (such as quality, relaxing music and nature). When you can handle it, visit the special venues where you created memories together.
Please be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself time to grieve and heal.
