Love and Loss at Christmas

Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa are extremely happy and festive seasons of the year — unless you are facing an empty chair at the dinner table.

Please try to be aware that holidays, birthdays and anniversaries amplify the emotional and spiritual pain of those who have lost loved ones. Please try to be sensitive to their feelings; particularly during the holiday season. When they invite you into their pain, by speaking to you openly about their deceased loved one, please listen to them attentively. You should be honoured to know that they feel so comfortable in your presence that they trust you enough to let you into the inner sanctum of their heart.

Whether it has been two days, two weeks, two years or 20 years since the passing of his or her partner, husband, wife, mother, father, son, daughter … or their best friend and confidant, please be aware that their grief or pain, whether an occasional visitor or a constant companion, is very real. Festive occasions always remind them that their missing loved one will not be here to celebrate with them, bringing a fresh reminder of their loss and frequently increasing the intensity of their grief once again.

Never tell a grieving person that you know exactly how they feel. You don’t! Only God truly knows how they feel. He alone understands the extent of their pain and is aware of any secret regrets or remorse that perplexes them because of a hastily spoken word or because they squandered their last opportunity to say, "I'm sorry" or “I love you.”

Everyone grieves differently and traverses the stages of grief at their own unique pace.

When you love someone deeply and unconditionally and they reciprocate your love, respect you, appreciate you and take your deepest and darkest secrets to their grave (never once having betrayed your trust), their loss will be monumental. If this was the only living soul with whom you shared this level of emotional intimacy and transparency, their loss will be even more traumatic and felt acutely.

To those of you who are hurting during this festive time of year because you will never again see her beautiful and radiant smile or hear his deep, resonant voice in person or on the other end of a Facebook, FaceTime, Skype, WhatsApp or Zoom audio or video call, or better yet, in person, on this side of Heaven, rest assured that you will get through this difficult, stress filled and painful season of life’s journey — often one minute at a time.

You are normal. There is nothing wrong with you. You loved that special person (who will forever occupy a special and sacred place in your heart) so deeply and completely for one, five, 10, 25 years or more. How could you possibly recover completely from such a devastating loss in a few weeks or several months? You can only fill a little bit of the empty place left in your heart and soul by their departure by remembering the laughter, tears and experiences that you shared together.

Please try to find a way to honour their memory during the holidays.

Perhaps their wise counsel or their positive example can give you the oomph that you need, inspiring and encouraging you to press forward in this journey called life with them no longer by your side or just a phone call, text or email away. When you don’t feel like getting out of bed or eating, try to hear their voice in your head propelling you to put one foot in front of the other, giving you the will and the courage to continue to face the battle of life.

In time, I believe that you will find yourself crying less frequently, for shorter durations and less intensely. You will find yourself smiling and eventually laughing when you remember them. I don’t believe that the sting of death ever dissipates or disappears completely. However, one day, you should come to the place where your heart has healed to the point that you can fully embrace life again.

This does not happen by accident. It takes a lot of emotional energy, consistent effort, and frequently professional help (primarily counselling) too.

Try your best to stay positive, to take the best possible care of your health (sleep, rest, exercise, good nutrition). Surround yourself with positive, uplifting people and influences (such as quality, relaxing music and nature). When you can handle it, visit the special venues where you created memories together.

Please be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself time to grieve and heal.

The Emotional Healing Process, part 1

How does your broken heart mend?

Slowly, especially at first, and consistently so long as your attitude and focus are right and your self-talk remains positive.

Try your best to stay positive. Resist the natural inclination to entertain negative thoughts and ideas. Do not allow yourself to wallow in self-pity.

Analyze what went wrong. In what ways, if any, did you contribute to your current predicament?

Did you set clear boundaries early in the relationship and guard them?

Did you ignore obvious warning signs early on?

What could you have said or done differently that would have led to a different outcome? It is extremely important to take time to analyze what went wrong as well as what went right if your heart is broken because of a relationship. This will, if you learn the lessons that life has just taught you very painfully, enable you to avoid walking down this road again; at least not as far down this road or for as long.

If your heart is broken due to the death of a loved one, your healing process will be very different. Try your best to hold onto the positive memories of experiences and conversations that you shared together. However, you must be willing to let them go so that you can continue to live and so that your emotional and spiritual journey of healing can progress.

Your attitude about life and your self-perception are critical elements that will determine the direction of your emotional journey; toward healing or toward self-destruction. Do you see yourself as less than … because one individual no longer values you? His or her appreciation or lack of appreciation of you should not destroy you. In fact, it cannot destroy you unless you allow it to.

If one individual exiting your life does destroy you, perhaps there are some deeper issues at play here. Perhaps you are carrying an inordinate amount of emotional baggage or have very low self-esteem as a result of childhood experiences or as a result of one or more previous failed relationships from which you had not sufficiently healed before entering your last relationship.

Positive self-talk is extremely important. It tells you how you should view yourself, regardless of how you may presently feel about yourself. If you remind yourself about your good qualities and how you should view yourself, it will eventually become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Your emotions will eventually catch up to your mind.

Positive self-talk must be positive, while remaining honest. Speak affirmative truths to yourself. Do not lie to yourself or become self-deceived.

Please do not permit yourself to have pity parties. Focusing inward is one of the worst things that you can do to yourself emotionally. This may sound counter intuitive. When you feel at your lowest ebb emotionally or spiritually is one of the best times to help someone else. Sometimes the best medicine that you can give yourself is to volunteer or to pour into someone else. You may become so focused on being a blessing to someone else that you forget about your own sorrow and worries for a moment or two.

What speeds up or slows down the process of emotional recovery?

Your hourly and daily choices in each of these areas speeds up or slows down the emotional healing process.

- your thought life

- your health habits: sleep, nutrition, exercise

- the company that you keep

Every moment of each day, you choose where you place and keep your thoughts. Inward, upward or outward.

Please don’t view yourself as a victim. That is to accept defeat. This can easily lead you to give up and to give into destructive thoughts, self-deprecating attitudes, destructive self-talk and destructive behaviours such as self-medicating or worse.

If you view your relationship as having failed (a verb) as opposed to viewing yourself as a failure (a noun), the direction of your emotional trajectory will be completely different.

Proper rest, relaxation and recreation will help you immensely; especially exercise outside in the fresh air and walking near or swimming in water. The negative ions that water gives off are restorative for our nervous system. Ego-void, aerobic (cardio-respiratory) exercise causes our cells to release beta endorphins in our body. They boost our immune system and promote health and healing.

We also need the restorative benefits of sleep. It may be challenging to sleep at times, especially if our minds are rehearsing painful memories of the recent or distant past. A leisurely walk a couple hours before bedtime will help to promote sleep. So will herbal teas such as chamomile or the tryptophan in milk. Take some valerian or get an Ativan prescription from your doctor if you go several days with insufficient sleep.

Eating nutritious foods will help our bodies to repair at the cellular level whereas eating sugary and processed foods are damaging to our health. Eating refined sugar temporarily places a chemical straight jacket on our white blood cells, the captain of our immune response. Drinking refined sugar places a greater load on our systems, and does so at a faster rate.

Spend time with positive, upbeat people. Avoid negative and hyper-critical people like the plague. They will make you feel even worse.

Listening to quality music will help you to relax and unwind. Reading inspirational poems and anecdotes will help you to get or to stay positive. The section entitled “Overcoming Obstacles” is the first place that I turn when I read “Chicken Soup for the Soul” books.

Be gentle with yourself; especially when in this emotionally fragile state. Pamper yourself. Stay positive. Stay focused. Your best days are in front of you. In the future, looking back, you will realize this one day.

Self Care

1. Do you value yourself enough to invest in yourself spiritually, emotionally, psychologically and physically -- including optimum nutrition and exercise daily?

2. Do you take at least a few seconds or a couple minutes multiple times during your workday to pause for a momentary rest?

3. Do you habitually drink sufficient water and get enough sleep every day?

4. Do you speak loving words of affirmation to yourself regularly?

If you answered “Yes” to each question, it is quite likely that you have made yourself your number one priority in life and are committed to your own self care.

Let me pause for a moment to respond to those individuals who believe that it is both selfish and wrong to make yourself your number one priority. Only when you invest in yourself daily and consistently take the best possible care of yourself will you have the spiritual wellbeing, emotional health and physical energy and stamina to minister to the needs of others without being completely spent or becoming ill, resentful or bitter.

Only after I have accepted God’s unconditional love and acceptance of me and His forgiveness of my confessed and forsaken sins and bad attitude can I truly love and accept me. When I love me, I can love you too.

Daily self care benefits me and enables me to be a blessing to my loved ones, friends, neighbours and co-workers.

Self care during the work day enables husbands and wives, mothers and fathers to come home with something left to give to each other and to their children at the end of the day.

What is the alternative?

Perhaps, dragging your tired carcass home then collapsing in a frazzled heap somewhere between your front door and your bed. You might have the energy to take your clothes off before you crash and burn.

At worst, coming home and venting your frustrations on your loved ones. They deserve better than this so please take time to love yourself during the workday so that you will be able to love and treasure them at the end of your workday.